There's No Substitute For Appreciation In A Relationship

You have a partner that you planned to stay with your whole life. Are you doing your best to sustain that relationship? Would you honestly be able to say you've given it your all? Should the relationship take a bomb dive would you not feel any guilt or regret when you swear none of the dials on the control panels indicated an imminent wreck? Who wants to take the blame for the flaming wreckage of a relationship?

Who wants to be the blame for not building a strong and loving togetherness. Indeed, like Caesar and Cleopatra, some relationships are destined to fail. And this can be due to some mighty extenuating circumstances. But, just a basic level of understanding and respect can thwart the majority of partnership failures. Reflecting on the positive aspects of a relationship, and how these can be stimulated to grow into an even more exciting togetherness, is the basic need here.

To reflect on a relationship you have to figure out exactly what it is that you have. Don't start out with a list of what your relationship isn't. That's a set-up for sabotage. Find the good things. For instance, some diners can ruin a great dinner because mints weren't served afterward. So, appreciate what you have each particular blessing. Root them out, they may be hard to find, but they're there. And they may be hard to find because you don't really appreciate what you already have. And like a few parched seeds, these positive things in your life hold the promise of ever more blooms after every drought.

Health. Are your trips to the doctor few and far between? How about your significant other? Do you enjoy ease of mobility? Are you both comfortable on a nature trail or on the beach? Do you have to inject insulin everyday? Do you have to go to the hospital every so often to get your blood cleaned? If you or your partner don't have to deal with any of these issues, you are truly blessed.

Status. One day take a stroll to the nearest busy park. Take a seat and watch the people pass. You are going to see an expanse of human experience. You will see those who are better than yourselves in socioeconomic terms, and worse off than yourselves, too.

Watching this stream of humanity will give you things to think about as far as where you want to go and what you want to avoid. It will help you discern who needs help. Remember, you have no real equals, there are only those who are better off than you are and worse off than you are. You are your own guide.

Possessions. If you find yourselves lucky enough to live in a comfortable dwelling, and this is subjective, take the time to appreciate it. Look around the world. A fine mud hut overlooking a lagoon can be the symbol of having arrived as much as a condo on top of a skyscraper overlooking the Hudson in New York City. Mud hut or condo, appreciate what you have. Relax, hold your lover in your arms and enjoy what you have built together.

Accomplishments. What have you done with your life so far? How is your significant other holding up in life's endeavors? If you are an auto mechanic or a poet, a businessman or a restauranteur, you have the privilege of knowing you've contributed in your own small way to the machinations of this wonderful world. What's nice is that the more positive things you do in life, the more positive things that will be reflected back onto you. Appreciation is itself an art. Learn how to appreciate well and you will become well appreciated. By yourself, by your partner, by your world. Especially by your partner.

Romance Her With Something Special

Hold it, Buddy. Hold it, Lady. When's the last time you did something special for that special someone? Not just any old thing. Something that showed you were interested only in pleasing him or her. Something that took some thought, some time to get it together, some energy to pull it off. Something only you could do to make only your partner feel special.

Chances are, life being what it is, that it's been some time. Think about it. It has been awhile. Well, there's no time like today to get it together to show him or her that they're something special, that they're important to you, that you love them. It's always a good idea to show the one you're with that he or she's the one and only.

Need some help? A well-turned romantic evening is always a winner. Do everything yourself. Start off with some invitations. You know, the kind you send through the mail, or even email. (But a real invitation through snail mail gets extra points!) Title it with something along these lines: Enjoy a Night of Fun, Love, and Romance! Include some coupons that you've made in PhotoShop using a favorite picture of yours. Call them 'Love Coupons.' Or, if you lack those skills, you can always find something in a local card or gift shop to fill the bill.

As for the 'love coupons,' put something on them such as, you may redeem these coupons on the evening of --- and enter the date. Add something like you may request any such act that makes you happy when it comes to intimacy or romance. That allows your partner to bring some things to the party, maybe something new and exciting.

Have some fun yourself and write suggestions on the coupons. One for a foot massage, perhaps. Or one for necking. Or one for you can figure them out. Just be playful and creative, maybe even explore new possibilities. Almost anything that will make him or her feel special and loved will do.

Don't forget the dinner to make the evening a success. Making it yourself will certainly score extra points. But, if you're not a chef, ordering it in shouldn't hurt at all. The point is to share an intimate time with your lover. Do whatever makes the most sense, that makes you feel the most comfortable.

But, should you order dinner, personalize the meal with some fresh flowers on the table, light some favorite scented candles, and open a special bottle of wine you know will be enjoyed. These touches will add that extra bit of thoughtfulness that's so important.

Watch out for those 'love coupons'! Of course, your partner can redeem them at any time. But, things may take a turn toward the intensely romantic and you may end up with a rather cool meal eaten at a rather late time of the evening. But, remember, loves conquers all.

Pulling together a smashing evening as above, will be a part of your fond memories together. Your partner will remember it for a long time. Your relationship will find new ground for flourishing. Your imagination, your creativity, will deepen your understanding and love of each other. And, who knows, you might find out some surprising new side of your lover, a side that will intrigue you and keep your time together fresh.

Share The Path With Your Loved Ones

Do you and your significant other need a simple romantic way to bring yourselves closer? Are you not getting enough quality time together? Is it just too hard to make that time? Well, you've both got careers, you've got your families, you've got all the other little details of hectic lives that take so much time. It's hard keeping the perspective, the view that your partner needs time, too.

You each know that your success in the world isn't handed to you. You must have a plan, you must have a strategy. Short-term goals, long-term goals, both of these need a stick-to-it attitude. But, what's success without the success of your intimate relationship? As with your other 'must-do's', you've got to make space for the significant other in your life. A business client is no more important that your intimate client. A tee time for a business partner is not more important than a lunch with your life partner.

'Sharing' is the operative word when considering time together. It doesn't mean being in a place that just allows you time 'with' each other. It means sharing time together in a place where you can be with each other. An example of a place that doesn't allow you to be with each other is a movie theater.

How can a trip to the movie theater be a good place or a good way to be with each other? Think about it. Sure, you're together. But, you can't talk without getting shushed. You can't see each other. If the movie is any good, you're mind is on a subject far afield of anything having to do with your lives. So, you're basically sitting in the dark ignoring each other. That's not spending time together.

Rather than focusing on the troubles or treasures of the silver screen, you want to focus on each other. The almost perfect way to do this is excuse yourselves from whoever is sharing space with you, friends family or pets, and go for a walk. It can be a long walk, or a short walk. Let what you need from each other dictate the time you spend. You can hold hands, you can look at each other while you speak, the air is fresh, the walk itself gets the blood flowing. It's the perfect venue for togetherness.

With a walk, where you're going doesn't matter. How long you're gone doesn't matter. It focuses on the two of you and the things you need or want to talk about. Sometimes, walks can be quiet. And maybe that's important, for awhile. But, since you two obviously care about each other, talk will ensue.

Walks are easy to schedule, too. You needn't be shy about saying, "Let's go for a walk." By walking together, you're alone, whether it's a busy mall or a quiet street. You're really together. You can discuss important things, things that matter, issues that need resolution. A walk is a great way to clear the air. You're both in a relaxed place, a neutral place. There is no need for defense building, no need to fear discussing sensitive subjects.

The next time you and your significant other find yourselves in a stuffy room, and the moon is peeking through the crack in the curtains, grab his or hand and go for a walk. It's free. You don't have to be gone for a long time. In fact, you might want to set up a walk time each day. A time for the two of you alone, maybe just before or after dinner. Your bodies, your minds, and your relationship will thank you.

Speaking Your Truth When It's Hard

How often do you withhold the truth from someone important to you - your partner, friend, parent, child, co-worker - because you know he or she will get angry rather than care about you?

How you do feel when you don't speak your truth about something that is important to you? It is likely that you feel depressed when you don't speak up for yourself. Not speaking up about something that is important to you is a way of ignoring your own feelings and needs, and very likely will lead to depression.

Yet, if you do speak up and someone important to you doesn't care about your feelings, then how do you feel? If you are aware of your deeper feelings, you will likely feel some loneliness and heartache when someone is angry rather than caring about what is important to you.

For example, Johnnie consulted with me because his wife, Rosemary, had spent way too much on their credit card and had put Johnnie in a difficult financial position. Johnnie knew from past experience that if he said something about it to Rosemary, she would explode at him, which would feel awful to him. Yet, by not telling Rosemary about it, he was feeling depressed.

"I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place," he said to me. "I don't know what to do."

"Johnnie, what do you usually do when Rosemary gets angry at you?"

"I either get angry back, or I get defensive, or I shut down. And I feel awful."

"What are the awful feelings?"

"I feel hurt that she doesn't care about how her behavior affects me. I feel sad and lonely that we can't talk things out with caring rather than with anger."

"And it seems to me that you cover these feelings up with your own anger, defensiveness, and withdrawal - is that right?"

"Yeah, I think that's right."

"What if you were to be compassionate toward your own feelings of loneliness and heartache? What if you were to give yourself the caring that you want from Rosemary? What if, when you tell her your truth and she gets angry rather than cares about you, you care about yourself, bringing lots of gentleness, kindness, tenderness, and understanding to yourself? Do you think that would help you have the courage to speak your truth?"

"Actually, that sounds good to me. I think I can do that. So what you are saying is that if I give myself the caring I need when Rosemary gets angry, then I can speak my truth rather than stay depressed and ruminate about it."

"Yes. If you know that you are going to be there for yourself rather than abandon yourself in the face of Rosemary's anger, it makes it much easier to speak your truth. As long as you allow her anger to intimidate you into keeping quiet, then you are allowing her anger to control you, which is not good for you or for her. By choosing to be loving to yourself rather than avoiding the conflict, you will feel much better, even if she explodes. Are you willing to try this regarding the credit card?"

"Yes!"

In our next session, Johnnie reported that, when Rosemary exploded as predicted, he was able to stay present and caring about himself. He was able to say everything he wanted to say, including how heartbreaking her anger was for him. He felt much better and the conflict lasted a much shorter time than usual.